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Subject:I'm a blue movie
Time:11:58 pm
So yesterday I let myself eat whatever I wanted. I worked seven hours. I ate chinese food. Ice cream. Lots of ice cream. I went to a movie with a bunch of guys, afterwards, we ate more ice cream and drank lots of beer.

I was over 2,000 cals for the day. My stomach felt huge. I weighed myself right before bed - 128. I'd gone DOWN since the morning. I went to bed knowing that I'd wake up higher, because I'd drank mostly beer and diet soda and only had like 4 glasses of water and therefore would retain a ton of water.

Sure enough, this morning I was 131.
Hopefully today will help fix that: I'm drinking plenty of water. I did half an hour of cardio and another fifteen minutes of ab & butt toning exercises.

After my broth cools down and I "eat" it, I'll be at 584 calories. Only 15% fat.

I've taken all of my fatburning supplements.

I'm hoping things will be better in the morning. But I suspect they will. I had about a 12-hour stretch where my period seemed to stop. Strange, no? But then I woke up, felt bloated, and sure enough... a few hours later my period has restarted. So hopefully the 131 was only because of my lack of water intake & a second PMS bloat.

Hoping. Hoping.

I'm a man / Well I'm your babe / And we'll make love togetherCollapse )
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Time:02:12 pm
Sooo my period has definitely hit. I've taken two aleve and two midol and I'm wearing one of those thermacore heating pad thingys, and I'm still practically doubled over. I get really horrible cramps. I can hardly get out of bed.

And, of course, to make matters worse I don't have the car today and I've only got two regulars and one light tampon to make it through the day. I'm always really really heavy on my first day or so, so that probably won't cut it.

And of course I'm beyond bloated. I feel like utter and total shit.

Of course my period HAS to finally come on the one day that it's most inconvenient; the day this week that I actually have plans, going to see Spiderman 2 with Steve & his friends and then going to the fireworks with them. I feel like I want to just curl up and die and I'm crying from how bad my cramps are. But I haven't gone out since LAST TUESDAY. I'm already approaching massive loser status.

I can't help it though. All I've wanted to do other than be curled up with Nolan watching movies - and no chance of that anymore now is there? - is be alone, crying, not having to deal with anyone else, not having to expose my ugly fat body and lack of willpower to anyone else. I don't have anything to give to anyone; which is why I have nobody to give anything to me.

I hate myself. Thoroughly. I thought I'd find some solace in the fact that even with how bloated I am (last period I bloated 7 pounds) I'm only 129.

But I still kind of wish I could just die and not have to deal with myself anymore.
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Time:10:12 pm
Ate like 1700 cals yesterday. Damn.

Woke up this morning, and at first the scale stopped at 129, then went to 132. My mom's told me 130. What the hell?

Regardless: started up my diet pills again. I feel like I'm retaining so much water right now that my eyes feel puffy, like after you've drank too much wine. I feel sick and unwell again. The constant state of almost-nausea and malaise that's been overtaking me for almost a month straight.

Plus the emotional state I've been in. So moody and antisocial and hormonal. I'm so lonely yet antisocial at the same time. I want to be loved so badly but I just keep pushing everyone away. I'm a study in conflictions.

It feels like I've been PMSing for a month straight. Only without the period. Ever. At all.

Anyhow. I'm under 350 cals for the day; did 20 minutes of pilates earlier and worked for 5 hours. Hopefully I'll be smaller tomorrow.
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Time:09:58 pm
1172 calories for the day. I'm actually feeling pretty good, strangely enough.

Panera's Asian Sesame Chicken Salad is really really good. And really really huge. Like twelve ounces. And it's 330 cals. Not as bad as I'd expect from Panera. As much as they market themselves as healthy... places like Panera, Jimmy John's, First Watch... huge calorie fests, usually.

My protein intake is a bigger percentage than my fat intake. Yay.

I promised not to take any diet pills today in exchange for my mom giving me some Benadryl last night so I could sleep. And I haven't.

I'm kind of giving myself a free day. I'm going to allow myself to eat more if I feel hungry. Up to 1400ish probably is the limit. Then tomorrow, back to restricting.

I wonder what sort of impact this'll have when I weigh myself in the AM. No diet pills, and over 1000 calories? Hmm. I guess we'll see.

I feel so calm right now. It's kind of weird, after the past few weeks of nothing but feeling like I'm slowly going insane.
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Time:02:08 pm
I ended yesterday with 584 calories.

Today so far I am at 281 calories - 5 dried goji berries, a protein shake, and this weird oatmeal & wheat germ biscuit that my mom made.

I think for the rest of the day I'll only allow myself diet soda, herbal tea, and up to 3 of those 15-cal popsicles we have in the freezer.

This morning I am 127. Somehow even though I broke my second fast yesterday, I lost another pound.

Not complaining.
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Subject:I think I'm losing my mind.
Time:08:18 pm
Ugh. My willpower is just horrible all of a sudden. I had to make dinner for my mom - I was making her smoked salmon quesadillas, and I started getting so hungry and emotional that I thought I was going to both collapse and explode at the same time. And the biggest feeling of loneliness ever came over me for some reason and I just started crying. I almost ate her dinner before she even got home, but I stopped myself because her dinner, being a quesadilla, was tons of calories... all goat cheese and sour cream and salmon and such. But I was freaking out. I couldn't stop crying and I just collapsed onto a sofa while the salmon was grilling and ate like 1/2 a cup of flax & soy tortilla chips with some salsa. Then I made myself two smart dogs, cut them up, and put them in an organic red chile tortilla with a cup of hot salsa and some nonfat cheese. After I ate that, I ate a tiny square of dark chocolate. Which puts me at 497 cals for the day (including the cals from diet soda and herbal tea). I feel totally stuffed and satisfied right now, but it begs the question... WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? My willpower is shot, my emotions are going insane, and I almost passed out after ONLY 19 hours of fasting. I was feeling perfectly fine two hours earlier and then suddenly I was so depressed and hungry and dizzy. I don't get it. When I was fasting earlier in the year I wouldn't even get dizzy until the third day.
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? When did I become so weak?
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Current Music:Organic Audio - Always The Sun
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Time:04:22 pm
I didn't gain. Didn't lose, either. Still 128.

I'm on hour 16.5 of my new fast; feeling pretty good so far. I've been doing some toning exercises for my butt, legs, & abs while watching The Fast And The Furious - drinking lots of water & green tea. Considering doing some pilates or yoga later in the day if I don't go see Supersize Me. Maybe some tanning also. Dunno.

I'm finding that I really enjoy being alone lately. I like my friends, but I'm really just happier being home by myself lately. Is that weird? I'm getting really antisocial. Don't know what's triggering it. Oh well...
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Time:12:20 am
DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT. I binged. I broke my fast at 45 hours exactly.

I was so hungry and dizzy and exhausted. But I was so uncomfortable that I couldn't sleep. It was bizarre. So I gave in and ate ONE Raweo (a raw cookie made by dehydrating soaked cashew, coconut, raw oahu honey, and carob)... thinking that'd give me some sort of satisfaction. Then maybe I could fall asleep.

Wrong. I started feeling even more icky. Like restless OMG-I'M-GONNA-DIE uncomfortable. So I went downstairs to make some herbal tea; and ended up binging:

2 Organic Flax Seed Waffles (240 cals)
20 Olives (35 cals)
2 Raweos (+1 earlier, estimated total of 145 cals - I put it into fitday.com as a carob & honey brownie)
2 Whole Wheat Pitas (160 cals)
4 Tablespoons Organic Garlic Hommos (70 cals)
1 Pat Margarine (27 cals)
1 Raw Strawberry (4 cals)

My total for the day is now 742 cals.
I'm seriously crossing my fingers that I don't gain. Luckily I feel so full & sick right now that I have no more temptation to eat.

Please don't let me gain. 128 looked so good on the scale.

Regardless; I'm restarting my fast. wowen & I are going for 72 hours. I CAN DO THIS.

On the bright side: I am being good & have resisted IMing or calling Nolan. And at least I binged on healthy, organic foods, except for the margarine.

Tomorrow is a day off. It's harder, for some reason, to fast on days that I work. So hopefully the fact that my only plans for tomorrow are maybe hanging out with Josh... hopefully that'll help.

Wish me luck...
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Time:09:51 pm
I technically broke my fast today. I worked with Kenna, and she's constantly suspicious of my food intake lately, and I was getting dizzy so I ate a pretzel stick (1.9cals) and a peanut m&m (10 cals) just so I'd be seen eating.

When I got home I did similarly for my mother, who's been shoving food at me lately too. I wanted her to see me eat so she wouldn't worry. So I ate a flax seed cracker in front of her (30 cals).

Not letting it break the fast in general, though. 41.9 calories will not be the end of the world, especially since I burned 442 at work today.

So yeah. Hour 44.
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Subject:128, 128, 128
Time:02:05 pm
I'm now on hour 36 of my fast. The first day is always the hardest for me, but I feel so much better the next morning when the scale goes down and I look smaller.

Yesterday morning, 131. This morning, 128. THE LOWEST I HAVE EVER BEEN AT THIS HEIGHT (5'7"). So that's definitely motivating to keep on going!

Yesterday all that entered my mouth was water (like 12 cups), herbal tea (4 cups), and diet cherry coke (2 cans - they're for when my stomach is REALLY rumbling).

I'm not even hungry right now. Totally content with my breakfast of Yogi Tea and stackers.

I had a nightmare, though, that I was with Kenna and Lauren and they bought me tons and tons of food, and I ended up having to eat two grilled cheese sandwhiches, and not the plain wheat bread and sharp cheddar ones I usually would make, but those crazy ones you get at cafeterias, all buttered white bread and american cheese oozing all over the place. I was so grossed out in my dream. Probably stems from the other day when I was at work and Kenna started threatening me with a peanut butter cookie, saying she was going to force it down my throat. Luckily she left and Kate ate it. Go Kate. She's been looking chubbier than usual, she used to be small as a pin but lately I've been noticing some tummy and arm flab. Of course she's smaller than I could even hope to be, still, so bleh.

But yeah. 128! Hopefully I can make it the whole week. That'd be amazing.
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