So yesterday I let myself eat whatever I wanted. I worked seven hours. I ate chinese food. Ice cream. Lots of ice cream. I went to a movie with a bunch of guys, afterwards, we ate more ice cream and drank lots of beer.
I was over 2,000 cals for the day. My stomach felt huge. I weighed myself right before bed - 128. I'd gone DOWN since the morning. I went to bed knowing that I'd wake up higher, because I'd drank mostly beer and diet soda and only had like 4 glasses of water and therefore would retain a ton of water.
Sure enough, this morning I was 131.
Hopefully today will help fix that: I'm drinking plenty of water. I did half an hour of cardio and another fifteen minutes of ab & butt toning exercises.
After my broth cools down and I "eat" it, I'll be at 584 calories. Only 15% fat.
I've taken all of my fatburning supplements.
I'm hoping things will be better in the morning. But I suspect they will. I had about a 12-hour stretch where my period seemed to stop. Strange, no? But then I woke up, felt bloated, and sure enough... a few hours later my period has restarted. So hopefully the 131 was only because of my lack of water intake & a second PMS bloat.
I must be a masochist of some sort. Well, obviously. Anyone who takes great joy & pride in depriving themselves of something as basic as food has to be on some level, right?
Nolan. I apologized when I was drunk last night, after I got home. And we're speaking again. We spent about three hours today talking about nothing.
I knew perfectly well last night: even as Ryan and Dave tried to convince me to forget about Nolan, that he was too immature for a relationship, I knew. I would come home and tell him a small part of me and ask for forgiveness.
I told him that there was something consuming me. Something I was not willing to give up. But that it was making me crazy. And for that I was sorry. And for my neediness I was sorry.
And we begin to speak again. He didn't ask questions about what the something was. Maybe he thinks he'll find out eventually. Maybe he doesn't care.
I think deep down I'm enjoying this fucking rollercoaster.
I think I may have stopped caring if he uses me. I almost want it. I almost crave the pain he causes me. I certainly crave the lovey episodes we (rarer and rarer) have.
I'm just going to let go and let this happen. If I find someone else I can forget about Nolan. Until then I guess I've made this bizarre decision that if I'm going to embrace the ED I may as well embrace someone who keeps me feeling. Even if it's not always good feelings. I want it.
I'm fucking crazy.
|comments: Leave a comment|