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Time:10:16 pm
20 hours into my fast. Why is it so HARD already? But I won't give in. I won't let food control me, especially not this early on.

I finished my book on raw food today. The author had a chapter totally dedicated to how we try and use food as comfort & as something to fill up / numb emptiness. And that we need to learn how to deal with pain and loneliness and the range of human emotions by ourselves, without the use of food as a drug. How appropriate is that, for this situation? I wanted to go find this little Russian lady that wrote the book and hug her when I read it. She got it exactly right. I'm trying to prove to myself right now that I don't need food to numb the pain from Nolan; that I can just deal with the feelings straight out & that I will become a better, thinner me through all of the hurt that he's put into me. I can overcome this WITHOUT FOOD.

My mother seriously tried to shove food at me today. A really gross concoction, too: strawberries and sour cream. Really, who does that? It's like the time my roommate microwaved her potato salad and tried to get me to eat some. That's just nasty.

My stomach WILL NOT stop growling. I'm going to go make myself some more herbal tea. In another hour or two I'll probably take some cold medicine so I can sleep. Otherwise I'll be up to 3 or 4 obsessing over food. I know myself. Then I'll be walking dead at work tomorrow and give in and get some food or coffee or something to wake myself up. No. Not going to happen.

I don't need food as a crutch.
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Current Music:Poe - Spanish Doll
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Time:07:26 pm
Current Mood:devastated
I can't. I just can't anymore.

I keep thinking that. I don't even know what can't refers to. All I know is I feel totally crushed. Why the fuck did I let him mean so much to me, why did I let him walk all over me and stomp me to pieces? I should've never started talking to him again. I was fine without him. I wish I'd never met him in the first place. HOW can someone who is so shady, dishonest, and cruel be friends with my friends - people who are wonderful and kind - and people like Cliff - who's a total sweetheart? And yet Nolan is one of the cruelest people I've ever met. Since we met he's done nothing but play games with me, I am now seeing this clearly. He got me to fall for him and has spent the past few months throwing me little bits of affection to keep me hanging on enough that he can have something to play with. He's totally crushed me and run me down. I'm at the point where I don't even have the desire or motivation to meet anyone new. I just want to be alone. Other people can't be trusted.

My naive nature and desire to believe in the good of people has done nothing for me but get my heart stomped on multiple times, and this is the final straw. I thought I was stronger, I thought I was smarter, I thought I was worth caring about. Nolan has denied me all of those qualities, proved me wrong about my self worth and my outlook on people.

This is all I have left. This is the only thing in life that can be mine or that can go okay. That's just how life is for me. I'm not beautiful or witty or loveable - but at least I don't have to stay fat.

This morning, I am 5 foot 7 and 131 pounds.

The next week is my punishment for wanting Nolan. Nolan = food. And I'm not going to have either. I've fasted for three days before. It'll be hard, since I'm an idiot pig, but. Absolutely nothing may enter my body other than water, diet soda, and my weightloss supplements. I'm upping the Xenadrine intake too. Screw 2 pills 2 times daily, it's not doing SHIT. 3 pills 3 times daily, we'll see if that makes any difference whatsoever.

I hate myself. I'm fucking dirty and pathetic and fat and stupid and weak. This next week is the only way I can prove I've got anything worth anything anywhere inside of me.
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Subject:Kylie.
Time:12:52 am




Absolutely beautiful.
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Current Music:Placebo - Without You I'm Nothing
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Subject:You're slipping slowly from my reach
Time:11:47 pm
Damn. I did pretty well yesterday... a lot better than I've done since coming home from school, at least. I broke my 20-hour fast at 10 PM.

When I went to bed at 3 AM, I was at 732 cals, with only 10% of those being from fat... 33% from protein. I took all my vitamins & supplements and did half an hour of cardio/weight training (-211 cals), took a 2-miles walk (-123 cals), and did some balance ball work (-53 cals)... so pretty decent. I drank like 10 glasses of water.

Today, I didn't fare quite so well. I had this INSANE craving for chocolate - which is weird, because I'm actually really not a fan of chocolate. But I was fucking consumed. Kind of like my cottage cheese craving last week - not something I usually like, but it was ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT until I had some. I lasted until about 3-4 PM, and used my break at work to run to Sugarbush and buy some chocolate. I bought two bars of the darkest chocolate I could find (Lindt 70% bittersweet cocoa bars) - thinking that since I was craving it so badly, I might as well do the chocolate diet that I've heard has given other people such awesome results.

Well, it didn't turn out that way. There's a reason I rarely want chocolate: after eating 1/3 of the bar, I felt like dying. I felt so sluggish and sick that I could hardly stand or function. I literally wanted to just keel over and die I was so miserable. The thought of continuing to each nothing but chocolate for the rest of the day, or a few days, made me want to die as well. I fucking HATE chocolate. The only kind I can eat without feeling like shit is the Dagoba Organic Chocolate Bars that I can get down on campus. I could do a chocolate fast on those someday, perhaps. But no other kind or brand. Chocolate in general just makes me feel horrendous.

So yeah. 250 calories down the drain. Since I still had 5 hours at work to get through, I gave into the seasoned nuts that my manager offered me. I ate an ounce of the walnuts (185 cals) and like 6 of the almonds (42 cals).

When I had 3 hours to go and still felt like keeling over from my mysterious exhaustion (I'd slept 9 hours but still was having trouble standing) I went over to Cheryl's Cookies to get a Diet Coke. I figured the calorie-free caffeine boost would help my mood. THEY WERE ALL OUT OF DIET SODAS. I was practically dying, so I got a Dr. Pepper, and since Mike was working, he threw in a free sugar cookie with m&ms in it. I was going to give it to Kelley when she got to work, but it looked so good. So I ate it. 277 cals for the soda, 170 for the cookie.

I put the rest of the chocolate bar in a drawer and told Kelley to eat it if she was hungry (she'd been at her other job since 8AM, and it was like 7PM when she got there) - so thankfully she ate it. I didn't have to worry about taking it home or possibly eating the rest or seeing it and having the gross-chocolate feeling come over me again.

After work, I went to the store to buy a new, digital scale. I hate my mom's scale. I'm constantly playing with it because it gets knocked off balance so easily, so I don't ever know if it's accurate or what. I have a tendency to be so paranoid of it weighing me incorrectly that I fiddle with it until it tells me 130 no matter how much I exercised or fasted the days before. So starting tomorrow morning (I always weigh myself first thing in the AM after peeing) I'll actually have a consistent scale.

I put in all my food consumption into fitday - and like 60% of my cals were fat, the rest were carbs. NOT okay. I was feeling hungry, so I ate a whole wheat pita (80 cals) and some hommos (35 cals). Then I decided I'd eat a bunch of high-protein low-fat foods to balance out my nutrition a little since I was already over 1000 cals for the day. So I made a weird little taco; I filled an organic red chile tortilla (120 cals) with fat-free cottage cheese (90 cals), two cut up smart dogs (90 cals), and some shredded fat-free smoked turkey (60 cals) and topped it off with some chili powder.

So now my fat intake is 30% of my total cals, and my protein is 17% - or 61g of protein. Total cals for the day: 1448.

Since I worked today, I burned some extra calories (-532 cals).

So I'm still under my 'optimal' level of calories to be healthy (1600 - hah) but I'm way over where I'd like to be.

Tomorrow is a new day.

NO MORE FUCKING CHOCOLATE. It's disgusting as hell. And Mike said they'll be out of diet soda until next Monday, so I have to stay away from Cheryl's until then.

Tomorrow: 700 cals or less. Mostly protein. Water water water. Cardio & weight training.

I need to be 120 by my birthday: August 2.

I'm 130 now, so 10 pounds in 39 days.

I lost 12.5 pounds from mid-April to early-June. I CAN DO THIS. I HAVE TO DO THIS.
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